Recently, I had to make a PowerPoint presentation to some colleagues about a proposal a few of us are working on. At the end, several people came up and thanked me. One went as far as to say that what I’d done was outstanding. I nodded and said, “Thank you,” while thinking to myself, “It wasn’t nearly that good. They’re just being kind.”
I then started to think about the times when people have criticized me and how I’ve taken every word they’ve said to heart and have worried over it, sometimes for months – if not years – on end. I still remember a parishioner from my Syracuse, NY days who came out of church one Sunday and said, “Nice homily… for a change.” I hold on to that little nugget and beat myself up with it on a regular basis if I don’t think a homily has gone well. The many compliments I’ve received about my preaching, however, have long since been consigned to the ether of amnesia.
Is it just me or are there lots of people like me who gloss over praise and instead fixate on criticism? Why do we do this?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know where she got it but my mother always said that one of the most difficult acts of true humility is to accept a complement and remember the source of the gift.
I is a struggle for me to accept compliments gracefully. My mother would say that saying “Oh no I really didn’t do that well” belittles the gift given to you by God and is really selfcentered because it is searching for further attention.
On the other side it seems like only the most concieted and callous don’t take to heart criticism. It is sometimes a struggle to not let other people’s oppinions of us hobble us.
Perhaps the real struggle is to see ourselves as God sees us ( didn’t we visit that a few weeks ago) with out strengths and weaknesses but always loved by our creator
Maura,
Your response couldn’t have been more timely – I got the results of my 360 degree review today and am considerably chastened. One of my weakest areas, it seems, is in accepting feedback and criticism. I thought it was one of my better areas… Oh, dear.
Paul
Paul,
Your commentary hit a raw nerve. I have suffered from seeing the negative side of what I have done for all of my 64 years 11 months. This is paralyzing because it steals the joy, satisfaction, and fun from work and accomplishments.
I am inclined to answer your why question by saying that I grew up in the 1950s and that the generation of adults at that time were not constantly told that children need praise for what they have done well. Parents and teachers tried to raise responsible, hard-working, morally upright children. When we did what they wanted we were simply meeting expectations. When we failed, we heard about it. However, I have an uncertainty about my theory. Not all of my siblings nor all of my peers of that era have suffered from constantly seeing the negative side of themselves. So, I really do not know why.
I think Maura has hit on the solution, a solution that makes why irrelevant. When we believe deeply in our hearts that God loves us with our successes and failures, we can be at peace with who we are. In addition, when we have people in our lives who know our good points and faults and love us faithfully, we can further be at peace. I may be finally absorbing a little bit of this solution.
Paul, I do not know what you were being reviewed for, but I think you are doing a wonderful job on this blog. You give us something worthwhile to ponder each day, things that bring us closer to God.
I really hate performance reviews. I may be told I am outstanding but I tend to fixate on the things that need improving. Fortunately I’m at a job where the manager doesn’t give me forewarning on the yearly review. He just calls me to his office. The things he would like me to improve upon are things that I know I need to work on. Perhaps getting older has made the old performance review thing easier.
I think if you are an introspective person it is much easier to assume that our critics have targeted us correctly because we of all people know our faults, replete with every detail and as a result we assume that all criticism is accurate. However because we assume intropspection means fault finding we never stop to look at the good things we may accomplish during the course of the day and threin lies the problem. God sees and loves us at all times, when we are being brilliant and using His gifts and when we are being not-so brilliant and squandering His gifts. A liitle introspection on the good we do will help achieve the delicate balance of humanity.
Eric,
Given a recent post of mine, I will be gracious and take your compliment to heart.
You are absolutely correct about how this “paralyzes” and “steals our joy.” I think you’re also right about Maura’s insight that if we deeply believe in God’s love then everything else is irrelevant. Sadly, as with many things, it is easier said than done.
Paul
I wonder if that sense of beliving in God’s love for us is not at the heart of the virtue of hope. If we dare to believe that we are not only loveable but beloved our world vision changes drastically. We are able to open more of ourselves and share more of the gifts that make us the unique person we are. I guess I’m thinking not only of our divine relationships but our human ones as well. I know the love of my husband has given me the courage to tackle things that I might have avoided and use gifts I might have hidden.
On the opposite end of the spectrum would be fear. Over the years I have come to believe that more evil comes into the world because of fear than any other vice. Whether it is our personal fears that we will not please or do well enought or our comunal fears that lead us to visit violence upon others before they are violent to us.
It is one of the questions I challenge myself with most often when I am trying to discern a path “Am I making this choice from the position of hope or fear?”
Cheryl,
I’m trying to figure out which would be worse, the kind of performance review we have here or the “ambush” reviews you endure. Either way, it’s no fun.
I think you’re right that we already know – for the most part – those areas where we need to improve. The trouble is, as I said to the boss, my character and personality were pretty well “baked” by the time I was 7 years-old. I can do my best to modify behaviors, but the basic traits are locked in.
Paul
Tom,
I feel you know me through and through! I like your idea of a little introspection on the good that we do because, as you suggest, the temptation is always to spend way too much time on the other side of the equation.
Paul