So, here’s the thing I’ve been wondering about for a while… I am truly and thoroughly convinced that God loves me unconditionally. Why, then, am I still afraid of intimacy with God?
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Paul Brian Campbell, SJ
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As Loyola Press’ VP for Mission and Identity, Paul dares to believe that people for others will, quite literally, make the world a better place. Learn more in About This Blog. -
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
marg 07.07.09 at 8:05 am
This is a BIG question! I think God, for His part of the relationship, knows us intimately so it is always so odd to me that we all hold back on our half. For some reason I think it has to do with our thinking that we control things and that by letting go, we will take that giant leap out in to space into what is unknown to us.
For me, I fear that I will be giving up some attachment in this world that I have. Having that relationship is so much about closing your eyes and letting go. Hope I have the courage to do it some day.
M.
Eric 07.07.09 at 12:07 pm
I find myself hungry for intimacy with God, and sometimes I think God simply barges in and makes it happen. I also know that I hold back. When I feel the barriers, rather than examining what is wrong with me, I plead with Jesus to come and be with me. My imaginary place of meeting with Him helps. In that context He points out the barriers, and often the barriers are phony, based on my insecurity and fear that He is displeased with me. In these cases, I am reassured that all is well between us, given his forgiveness, patience and love. In my life there is an additional factor of a deadline looming. Cling as I might I am going to lose it all. So I try to cling to the things He wants me to cling to, my beloved wife, my beloved daughter and son-in-law, and my many family members and friends, and my ministries (for as long as I can) at the church.
It feels arrogant to me to give advice to a man who has lived a dedicated life as a Jesuit priest, but I will throw caution to the wind and trust that the Lord is helping me. God does not require perfection from us before we can have intimacy with God. Bring that very fear to your prayer, tell God you want intimacy, and trust God to break through that fear with love and reassurance. I just finished a book about the saints experiencing this very thing, Mystics and Miracles by Bert Ghezzi.
Paul 07.08.09 at 6:47 am
Marg & Eric,
Marg, you “diagnosed” my condition very well and losing control is a big part of my anxiety. (As I write this, I realize it is foolish to think we’re ever in control)
Eric, thank you for reminding me of the importance of the imaginary place to meet God. It is not at all arrogant for you to give me advice and thanks for the plug for our Bert Ghazzi book, “Mystics & Miracles.” Bert was in here last week and I got to meet him for the first time. He is a fine, fine person.
Paul
Michelle 07.08.09 at 4:54 pm
Paul, there would not be so many psalms about trust if we did not all suffer from this fear at times….
Eric, your reminder not to ask what is wrong with us, but to ask for God’s presence regardless is a potent one, thank you!
Tom 07.09.09 at 7:11 am
I really enjoyed the conversation spurred by your question, Paul. I was reminded of when I was in Sicily decades ago as a student. Many homes there had a “holy picture” on the wall, but it was often covered by a veil. I feel as though that acurrately describes my approach to a relationship with God: I want God present, but not “full force.” The veil is that illusion of control and protection. I am grateful that over the years my every encounter with God encourages me to let down the veil and accept what God has always wanted to give me–unconditional friendship.
Paul 07.09.09 at 7:23 am
Michelle,
Good point about the psalms. To be perfectly honest, one of my hopes in writing the post was to obtain reassurance from others that I am not alone in this dilemma of wanting to be close to God and yet simultaneously fleeing from it.
Paul
Paul 07.09.09 at 7:34 am
Tom,
I never knew about the veiled religious images in Sicily – what a remarkable analogy for the relationship many of us have with God. [When you mentioned "holy pictures," I suddenly recalled delivering "meals on wheels" as a Jesuit novice in rural Ireland where almost every home displayed the same tryptich of Pope John XXII with Jackie on his left and President Kennedy on his right!]
You’re right about “the illusion of control and protection.” It is an illusion – but, at least for me, a powerful one.
Paul
Michelle 07.09.09 at 9:22 am
Paul and Tom, your comments reminded me of this bit from an essay by Karl Rahner, SJ: “We will always be tempted again to take fright and flee back into what is familiar and near to us: in fact we will often have to and will often be allowed to do this. But we should gradually try to get ourselves used to the taste of the pure wine of the Spirit… We should do this at least to the extent of not refusing the chalice when His directing providence offers it to us.”
We have lots of good company in wanting a veil!