“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” (Lewis Smedes)
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Paul Brian Campbell, SJ
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Eric 11.09.09 at 12:36 pm
There is a man who for years was my best friend. But then he started treating me badly. After quite a long time I described to him what he was doing and asked him to change. He was totally unrepentent. I decided that I did not want his treatment and I stopped associating with him. Part of this was made easier by the fact that we moved to Maine for a two year retirement adventure, I was 3000 miles away from him. However, for the three or four years I did not communicate with him, he was on my mind almost to the point of obsession. I was convinced he was wrong, but somehow I needed to repeat to myself over and over again why he was wrong. To this day I still think he mistreated me, and I have never gotten an apology. However, I decided it was time to put the matter aside, forgive him in my heart, reinitiate contact with him, and simply trust that things would be better. I sent him a letter. I did not ask for any apology. I did not ask that we discuss the issues I had raised with him. I just asked if we could be friends again. His response was a very joyful response. We have done fine ever since. And I am free of my obsessive thinking about him. Jesus said to forgive without conditions. And of course that is what God does for all of us. And it did free me from a prison I had built for myself.
Marg 11.09.09 at 1:07 pm
Someone broke my heart and changed my life forever. While I understand why it happened and don’t revist that very often, I didn’t forget that feeling. I am very careful and not too trusting. I realize that nothing in life is for sure. I guess I am still a prisoner because of my inability to let go. I am not sure how that can be changed and not sure that I will change it ever.
M.
M.
Eric 11.09.09 at 1:28 pm
Dear Marg,
It is with fear and trembling that I give advice to anyone, but especially to someone with a deep sorrow that just will not go away. I went into a state of deep sorrow and depression when I was told I had ALS. I want to tell you that God rescued me through prayer (mostly), spiritual reading, and spiritual direction. I don’t want to be brash enough to tell you what you should do. I just want you to know that I believe with all my heart that God wants to and can rescue you and I will pray that with God’s help you find YOUR path and YOUR solution. May I, again with fear and trembling, recommend a book. It is titled “Just As You Are” by Fr. Paul Coutinho, S. J. It is in the Loyola Press online book store.
Eric
Marg 11.09.09 at 1:46 pm
Thank you Eric. Thank you. I don’t address this often, because I have had to move on with my life. When I do I am mostly glad I keep it tucked away. I will take you up on your book suggestion. I think of you and include you in my prayers often. Don’t ever be fearful to offer a kindness. I am someone who wishes to take things from others in only the most positive way. I truly only realize how I feel about the past when something like this comes up. I know there should be some healing, but am not sure what I want to do about it.
M.
Maureen 11.09.09 at 9:18 pm
My friend often says that refusing to forgive someone is like eating rat poison and hoping the rat dies. It is we who die when we hold onto our anger and hatred.
Paul 11.10.09 at 10:43 am
Eric,
Thank you for sharing your story about your break and then reconciliation with your friend. What you did is very difficult for many of us to do. And yet I hear the call to go beyond my own petty concerns and be generous of heart.
Paul
Paul 11.10.09 at 10:46 am
Marg & Eric,
You communicate so well to each other, thank you for sharing this painful stuff. Marg, I think forgiveness comes in stages – first you make a decision with your head to forgive. It doesn’t immediately change your feelings, but every time you start to feel the pain and the hurt, you acknowledge the feeling but remind yourself that you have made the decision to forgive. I have found that, over time, my heart catches up with my head.
Paul
Paul 11.10.09 at 10:48 am
Maureen,
What your friend says is true, but sometimes we get so hurt by people that we can’t see the truth any more. We have a raw open sore to deal with and so can’t focus on the slow corrosion of poison.
The best we can hope for is a growing desire to move forward and to want to release ourselves from the thrall cast upon us by the hurt we’ve experienced.
Paul
Eric 11.10.09 at 11:42 am
Someone who worked with a divorced/separated group in a parish told me of a statement that she used with the heartbroken. One reason people feel so unforgiving is that the other person has somehow made him or her feel of little worth. Her reminder was that the former partner has lost a magnificent, wondrous treasure.
Maura 11.11.09 at 7:11 am
Eric
That last comment is exactly why the church has an annullment process. When I used to help people prepare their paperwork as a Pastoral Accociate. I would often tell them that the Annullment process is about healing and helping us remember that the miserable (often abusive) relationship left behind was not what God had hoped for them. The process often helps peoplecome to peace with themselves for the mistake of a relatiohship they sometimes blame themselves for years after they have left.