This is a guest post by Jane Knuth.
When I was about 13, on a road trip with my dad, we exited off the freeway to look for lunch in a small town. When we pulled up at a diner, dad vetoed the place before we got out of the car. He based his decision on the sign in the window that read: “Tables for Ladies.”
I was confused about this, but all he would say was, “If they have to put a sign in the window, then they don’t get many ladies in there.”
I was reminded of this recently while accompanying my husband to a pub where he was playing a whistle with a Celtic session group. The other customers in the place were either knitting near the window or sipping beer at the bar. I was a bit hungry so I looked at the blackboard and ordered the only non-alcoholic item, white chicken chili.
The bartender looked at me and seemed caught off-guard. “I’m guessing you’ll want a spoon—but don’t worry, I’ll find one.”
Last week at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store where I volunteer, two homeless women were shopping when I overheard this conversation:
Lady #1: “We have to leave, because I need to use a restroom.”
Lady #2: “They’ll let you use the one here. Just ask.”
Lady #1: “Hm. Maybe I will, but…what’s it like?”
Lady #2: “Don’t worry—it’s fine. Cleaner than most.”
My dad would approve.
Jane Knuth is the author of Thrift Store Saints: Meeting Jesus 25¢ at a Time and the upcoming Thrift Store Graces: Finding God’s Gifts in the Midst of the Mess. She has been volunteering at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store in Kalamazoo, Michigan, for the last 15 years.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
There is quite a lot to ponder in that little tale – not least about trying to have an awareness of others’ comfort boundaries. It is not something I have always been great at. In fact it reminds me of taking a girlfriend to my hometown for the first time. Being a doctor who had worked in A&E in some of the earthier districts, I wasn’t overly concerned about showing her the nightspots of my working class home. WRONG! Just because I felt at home there didn’t mean everyone else would. Emotional intelligence is something that needs to be cultivated
That is great! Happy New Year to one and all!
Happy New Year everyone!!
Jane, your dad is a very special guy.
Your stories I find thought-provoking and insightful.
I felt a tinge of sadness about the women who were homeless.
What they have to deal with on a daily basis.
Good lesson here, many thanks…
May God shower a plethora of blessings to all in 2012
Jane: Great storey. I echo tim, who always says ut best and add my thank god for everyone on Perope for others
A great equalizer isn’t it? The need for restroom facilities and the need for businesses to safeguard them from any and all who might need to use them! Or do middle aged and above folks have any easier time getting into them? Is it because of my young age that I’m turned away? Do they think I’m going to carry the toilet off? or those scratchy paper towels? what gives with the protectionism that surrounds toilets????? Happy New Year one and all, and my wish is for us all, may we be able to always find an “open door” somewhere when we’re most in need of it!
Emma, I have a thought on the restroom situation.
I volunteer and the restrooms are open to the public.
Maybe some businesses have dealt with the same issues in the past.
Some members of the public are not respectful.
There have been huge plumbing bills because some members of the public are disrespectful to the facilities.
I am with you on the “open door”
Kind of makes me think about what it means to be a “Lady”
I think it is not about our social ecconomic situation as much as being comfortable with one’s feminity, the ablity to be courteous and having that certain grace that thinks of others first.
I have known women of great poverty who were true ladies and women of great privilage who were definately not.
It is a tall order and I know I am still working on being more “lady like”
I have trouble with the word “lady”. It conjures up women of old; stiff-necked, never smiling, never speaking out; wearing white gloves, pearl necklaces and satin pumps. I’m no lady! I don’t think no matter how hard I tried, I’d ever be a “lady”. The word itself prompts all kinds of negative imaginings in my mind. A Woman. I hope to mature into the woman that you describe above, but I can’t envision myself a “lady”. I kinda fall into the “Mother Jones” category…….”I didn’t come here as a humanitarian. I came here to raise hell!!!” Mother Jones btw, was an Irish Widow in Chicago who organized the Irish Laborers and led them in their struggle for humane working conditions and wages, not a nun. I see myself down in the trenches, with my torn jeans and braid, demanding a voice for the voiceless.
But, I just don’t like the word “lady”. “Act like a ‘lady’”, “Ladies don’t do that”, or more stearnly, “Young Lady, what did I tell you???” YIKES!!!! That one means, “Run for your life!!” 
Emma think I understand your discomfort with the term. When I was young and still climbed trees and felt more comfortable playing baseball with the boys than dolls with the girls I would definately have run from the title “Lady.” It was what all those fussy girls in story books were not who I was ever called to be.
I guess now that I am in middle age it has taken on a different meaning for me. I know think of being a Lady more as a state of mind.
I also think of it as a challenge because even when I know I am called to “raise hell” and question the authorities in my line of work, I know that they will not listen to me if I am not being “lady like.” If I fail to act as others deem appropriate I will loose the opportunity to influence their hearts and minds.
It is not just a case of playing by their rules so I can play more effectively. I feel like being “lady like” is primarily about showing respect and care for others from all walks of life.
I guess it doesn’t really matter if we call that being an authentic woman or striving to be like Our Lady (who was not I suspect the pale plaster statue that most of us make her out to be.)
I’ll agree with you to a certain extent; I highly doubt that the Mother of God was nothing more than she’s given credit for. We know so little about her. We do know that to travel the road she traveled, required super human strength. We know that at the Wedding, she was the one directing the guests. She was the one who told them to “Listen to Him and do what He says.” But I don’t believe that being the Mother of God required her to be as passive and submissive as our “good fathers” would have us believe. So much about her was lost. I also understand the need to “choose your time and your battles.” Everything is not a matter of life or death. I also believe that there is a time when it becomes necessary for a little bit of “tipping of the tables and making some noise!” If for no other reason than for the sake of dramatic effect, after all, if it was good enough for My Lord, it’s good enough for me! The challenge comes with “discernment”. Solomon’s teaching: A time to give birth, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to uproot; a time to kill, a time to heal; etc……… ” So much Wisdom in that. And, we cannot forget the other women of Scripture! They, by even modern standards of conduct, would be considered very “unladylike”, sneaking in the enemy’s tent and decapitating him…we can’t only look to Mary. There is so much within Scripture to inform us of our place as women. As for linguistics, I’m sure to most of the people on this blog, the language I use with my peers would be considered offensive, so I don’t “go there”, however, to us, it’s not. It’s common language and not at all shocking. But, the word “lady” to most of us, has taken on the same connotation that the “eff” word has to people who are older. Understanding that, I temper my language so as not to offend. We’re all different. Some of us are put on this earth to nurture, some of us are put on this earth to raise a little hell! I’ve tried the best I can to be one of those “ladies.” I’m not. I won’t act as if I respect someone who doesn’t deserve my respect. If you’re harming other people or animals or the environment, I can’t respect you. To “act as if I did” just to keep the peace or to enhance my career or social standing, or to keep them comfortable, is to me the biggest lie of all. Those types of people already have enough “admirers”. What they benefit from is someone honest enough to point out to them that they’re not “all that”. Will I ever be rich? will I be accepted by the system in place? Probably not. More than likely, most people in positions of authority and elevated social status will lock me out when they see me coming. But, I don’t care. I don’t care what they think. I tend to believe that our world needs more people who care a little less about social norms and a little more about Truth.
My father always reminded me of this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “This above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” Thou canst not then be false to any man.” In our language of today, I would change “any man” to “anyone” but this is very true that we need to be true to our inner voice which tells us what is right.
Mary was true to herself and followed God’s leading although it cost her a great deal. I don’t believe for a minute that she was lacking in spunk or determination. There was a lot more to Mary than we know.
Dear Emma,
I am so sorry if what I have said seems judgemental in anyway. I never intended that. I was more sharing what I strive for in my own life.
There was a time when righteous indignation too easlily slipped into anger for me personally. As I gather you have, I have needed to learn how to work in a system that does not often take women seriously and saddly seems to be getting worse not better. There are definately moments (sometimes days and even weeks) when I question this path & question myself. I often ask myself How can I be true to myself while being true to the one who calls me to serve Him. This has been something that I have brought to prayer often in the days since the new RM has been implemented.
I am aware that from the outside it often can seem that I am simply taking the path of least resistance and toing the party line but I feel that it is God’s to judge not others.
I admitt that there are still times when I feel shoved by the Holy Spirt to voice my outrage about the injustices done to others. And then I do so willingly even though others may think I have made a fool of myself.
I agree with you that we must each use the gifts we are given and that we should as you say “care less about social norms and more about truth.”
At the risk of offending perhaps what I should have said in my first post what had popped into my mind upon first reading.
How lovely that Jane gave those two homeless women the dignity of refering to them as ladies… and how beautiful that one should care so much about the personal needs of the other to discuss the state of the facilities… Not at all what polite society would deem appropriate but a lovely gesture anyway.
OK . I keep thinking of Jerry Lewis screaming “Hey Ladyyyyy!”
It’s only words. Words that have changed so over time. Anybody remember the 70′s “Free to be You & Me” and the very funny “Ladies First!”? Worth a listen, even today. I won’t spoil the surprise, but watch it on YouTube.
Only words. I think all women should be smart enough to know how to act lady-like when they need to. It does happen. We have to use every tool in the tool box, you know. I can stand my ground, make my point and still do it with style.
And for those who equate lady with little & old, no thanks! I will never be that person and neither will my Mom who will be 89 in two months. Living life to the fullest is not for the weak, it is for women so evolved that they don’t consider the meaning of the word lady as very important.
m.
Eeeeeevvvvrrrrrreeeeeeeee tool in the toolbox???? Look out men!!! Emma’s changing into her “vamp” clothes!!!
Whatever works!!
Hope you’re kidding! Never meant to imply anything vampy or deceitful – that takes women back 50 years. Women have to be one step ahead and ten times more savvy.
I always say “you be you”, no one does it better. But sometimes you just need to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run . . . and exactly how to do it.
m.
I am going to tread where angels fear to tread and ask a question here. From some of the comments, I get the impression that there may be a body in favour of positive discrimination. Would I be right?
Simon, Simon, Simon……….(did you know that my middle name is “Angel” lol!!). I’m, like alot of the women posters here, in a male dominated field. By the time I started my third year of studies, most of the young women had changed majors. I don’t know why exactly. I find the men that I study with and under “simply fabulous”. I think I’m still here because I love the subject matter and because I enjoy the company of men. Everybody likes to flirt a little, unless they’re dead! It makes the day a little more pleasant and does serve somehow as a cohesive for the group. I won’t try to be “manly” to get ahead. I’m a woman, why should I have to? In good taste, tho’. I’m not going to show up at the nuclear lab wearing a bikini! but a look, a subtle smile. We should enjoy what we do and how can we do that if we have to spend the day worried about who’s going to be pointing a finger at who? I also see men who are fearful of getting caught in false accusations. I’ve seen that happen and it’s so destructive, not just for the accused but for the whole team. Mean people suck no matter what their anatomical make-up. Then, a little “vamping” is much better than breaking the guy’s arm!!! (or so I’ve been told). Maybe this is what’s meant by a “Just War”????? lol!!
Do you think someone had a bit of divine inspiration when choosing the name
My question, was slightly tongue in cheek, and wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular.
As someone who abhors inequality of any kind, I see where the discussion has come from. Unfortunately, no market is perfect and the labour market is one of the more imperfect markets for a number of reasons. Imposing additional rigidities where they don’t already exist will only cause it to clear even less efficiently than it already does. The quickest way to remove the glass ceiling is to treat men and women equally and put that equality into legislation.
There, I am now going to try to leave this minefield without having a foot (or any other part of me) blown off.
MAURA…………I didn’t at all think you were being judgmental. We all have our own life experiences to draw from. We learn from and about each other when we feel comfortable to express our differring pov. I did not at all take what you said as a personal attack, but rather an open dialogue. Please don’t refrain from speaking out. We learn from each other.