“It is better for the heart to break, than not to break.” — Mary Oliver
I acknowledge the paradoxical truth of this statement, but gulp a bit as I do so.
It is true, I believe, that anything worthwhile I have learned in life has not come easily, but has been the result of pain and heartache.
Not so long ago, I had a major row with someone close to me. Afterwards I was upset, of course, but I wasn’t devastated. I found myself reflecting that, had a similar blow up happened two decades ago, I would have been lying in a fetal position on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. [Okay, this is an exaggeration... but only a slight one!] Now, because I have more experience with conflict and its aftermath and, more importantly, because I have become more tolerant of myself, I am better able to deal with difficult situations.
A friend who, at 35, had a special needs child told me that, until the birth of her child, she’d pretty much glided through life, with little to bother or challenge her. She is devastated by his many problems, but is delighted to be a mother and completely loves her son as he is. She tells me that she now has much more empathy for people with handicaps. Her heart had to be broken so that it could get bigger.
As I write this, I’m reminded of Leonard Cohen’s “Anthem” with its lyric, “There is a crack, a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
By my late-40s/early 50′s, I was finally able to appreciate the exquisite pain of heartbreak and grateful for all that I learned as a result. Every disappointment, every loss has enhanced my life and sometimes I knew in real time. Thanks be to God.
Meredith,
You said it so much better than I could and in 3.1 lines.
Brava!
Paul
Life can be very difficult but I too have learned a great deal from the difficult times. Joy is always mixed in with the pain and pain is always mixed in with the joy. I am grateful for my life journey and I am grateful that the events of my life have taught me to have a more relaxed perspective than I had when I was younger.
Lynda,
I had never really considered that “Joy is always mixed in with the pain and pain is always mixed in with the joy” but I think you have it spot on.
Thank you for widening my horizons.
Paul
Didn’t someone once say that a broken heart, when it is mended, is bigger than it was before? Just a phrase, of course, but I think we’d all acknowledge that the bruises that come along in life allow us to be better people.
My brother in law and his wife have a profoundly handicapped son. He’s 26 now and I’ve watched them deal with Jay since he was born. It is HARD and at times I know they probably want to throw up their hands, but I’ve never met two more loving people. They were good people before they were married, of course, but now…now they are saints.
Did they want a normal son? Absolutely! But they realize that Jay is the son that God gave them, and that is enough to sustain them.
Bob,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know several couples (and a few single parents) who share the same experience as your brother-in-law and his wife. Their goodness gives me hope for our world.
Paul
One of the wisdom quotes I read a few days ago said something about life only being understood looking backwards. I certainly think that is true because my pain is never easily understood in real-time!!
Vis-a-vis the special needs child, I have a nephew who had a birth injury that resulted in learning difficulties. Recently a friend guided me to this;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r15PuYoID94
Simon, thank you for sharing that video – it says so much in a subtle way.
Wow Simon, what an inspiring message! I will share this with others.
Most of us are not privileged to choose the cards we are dealt with. Many times things happen to us that may on surface seem a cruel and unjust blow. While it appears difficult, maybe there is a whole lot of good that may come from these unplanned and unwanted detours.
St. Joseph come to mind when we need a role model on how o handle circumstance s that we are not ready for. St. Joseph stepped up and took care of the family.
I want to go to Holland, I hear it is pretty there…
Last night my older girls (in 7th and 9th grade) had thier Spring concert. There is a girl in my daughters 9th grade chorale that has special needs. I was watching her the whole time because of her joy of the moment and the love and inclusion that one of the star performers was showing her. The whole moment was just beautiful and humbling (I should point out that I couldn’t see my own child cause she was standing behind a tall boy, hiding). Holland isn’t Italy, it’s true, but it is no less beautiful.
Simon, this video spoke to my heart.
Thanks for sharing this.
My own nephew has had to face many challenges in his life.
I have had the gift to journey with with him and his mom.
We met professionals we never thought we’d meet.
At times very difficult, yet I am grateful for the journey, the companions who have walked along, sometimes briefly and some for the long haul.
Simon,
I join with all the others. Thank you. I needed to hear this message.
Paul
Bread is broken and blessed… the heart of eucharist and the heart of our lives. I think of the mixed blessing, no make that the real blessing, of broken hearts.
I am in the midst of a project about Saint Teresa of Avila and I am very aware of her admonitions to boldness and to not be timid. She was saying the same thing, your heart must break, but you must seek God in the biggest, boldest ways.
As to the video that Simon presented, which I saw on Facebook, via Tim… In about 1988 I caught up with a long-lost friend who had had a child. She used the same metaphor as the video did, only it was Paris and not Italy. I have never, ever forgotten it and I have thought of it often. As a result, I was very grateful for the video.
Fran,
“The real blessing of broken hearts.” Thank you. Thank you.
Paul
Standing at the foot of the cross, while caring for an elderly parent, has me reaching deep inside my broken heart for the strength to continue to stand…peacefully and gracefully.
Please know, how grateful I am for the recent posts…and comments, which seem to heal and to soothe… the cracks in the heart.
Mairead,
I know a little bit of what you are going through… my father had a long decline and it sapped every bit of my mother’s energy.
This much I do understand: you will never, ever regret the time and the tenderness you give to your elderly parent.
Thank you for your kind words.
Paul
It seems like, when presented with suffering — our own or others — either our hearts break, or they turn to stone. Better for the heart to break.
You’ve all motivated me to reflect this week on what I’ve learned through my own heartbreaks, besides the lessons about not taking my self so seriously and rembering that this, too, shall pass.
Excellent points Denise.
Denise,
“Better for the hear to break” than to turn to stone. You couldn’t be wiser or more wonderful. Thank you.
Paul
Though I wasn’t at the time, I am so grateful for the rockiness of my youth…and it was plenty rocky. But it helped me understand loss (to some extent) philosphically. That would help in later years, as loss always returns unbidden. But I think that I have been able to see that on the other side of sadness is joy waiting…and vice versa. The key is to lean into the moment, take what you can from it so that when the tide turns you are ready and believe that God is always there no matter what it may feel like. But, having said that, my husband is still training me to believe that things will not go terribly wrong…easy for him to say, he was the first born Italian grandson! haha!
I like your comment-lean into the moment…
Annete,
“The key is to lean into the moment, take what you can from it so that when the tide turns you are ready and believe that God is always there no matter what it may feel like.”
I stand in awe before you.
Paul
Now Paul, there is a lesson I need to learn “to become more tolerant of myself”, I am trying. Funnily enough; a few weeks ago my sis and I “had words” with the “flashing eyes”. It lasted only about 5-10 mins and came from nowhere! We hugged and apologised and later that evening were able to laugh about it as I reminded her we had done well as it must be pre – 2003 since we “blazed at each other”.
Since my Mum died (2007) I feel I’m able to put things in perspective more but wish I could have still had my Mum and learnt that lesson anyway. Like Simon; my pain is never understood in real time either; but hindsight shows me often where GOD has carried me and still does.
Katy,
Becoming tolerant of oneself is a gift given over time, so please be patient.
I hear what you say about your Mum and I have very similar feelings. What gives me great hope and joy is knowing that I will be reunited with all those I love in the Reign of God. Our separation is temporary and, in the great scheme of things, lasts only for the blink of an eye.
Paul
It reminds me of something my sisters and talked about when we were younger and preparing to get married. It seemed like there was a need to go through difficulties and heartbreaks to know the strength of our relationships. If you have never needed to be forgiven you never know the powerfulness of the love that can forgive. If you have never faced challenges together you never trust that someone loves you enough to stand by you even when they can do nothing to improve the situation. For all the pain there seems to be a depth to a love tested by heartbreak that goes beyond the dreams of romance we have in our youth.
Maura,
Hope you won’t find this too trivial… as I read what you wrote I was reminded first of Ryan O’Neal’s line from “Love Story” that said, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” and then of Barbara Streisand’s comeback in “What’s Up Doc?” when O’Neal repeats the line and she says, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Paul
My youngest son turned 16 yesterday, my oldest graduates from high school in a few days. I love them and my husband-their father deeply and fully. Neither of them would have been born if Tom — who I loved and love deeply and fully — had not died. I cannot wish that Tom died, to have experienced that grief, but I cannot wish that my sons had not been born either. It’s an unresolvable tension.
I think that pain can break up the clods in our hearts the same way that a hoe breaks up the dirt and reveals the rocks. The ground is softer, and ready for new things to grow and to set roots into the soil where water and air can now reach.
Beautifuly put
You are so lovely Michelle.
Thank you
Michelle,
How profoundly beautiful. The roll continues…
Paul
I thought long ago that my heart was going to break and then some time later I realized with horror that in fact it could not break. It was indestructible…
Still another time, not so long ago now, I met someone who cut me down to shreds and I left her office sobbing uncontrollably. Strangely enough, it is someone I have not been able to forgive yet — in spite of all my Caminos. Maybe because I never understood why she was so hard on me…
Now, I know my heart has been broken, many times really (every time a child leaves — however old the child is). But it reminds me of the seed that needs to die in order to give life…
Claire,
I know you to be a loving and wonderful person. I urge you to work hard on forgiving that person who cut you “down to shreds.” Don’t give him/her the power over you that he/she currently holds.
I promise you that the joy you will experience will make the pain of the effort worthwhile.
Paul
Thanks for this.
I’m too shy to put why, but God knows why. Bless you.
Jaymee,
“And the Father who sees in secret…”
Paul
Hasn’t anyone here ever fallen in love? It feels as if your heart is breaking! Even as you hope that love, that sweet wonderful falling is mutual, even when your beloved holds you and whispers to you that you are all to him/her, yes. even whilst holding that person in a lover’s embrace, it feels as if your heart is breaking! And it is! It has to for love to enter in: otherwise, it would remain sealed and closed with no means available for love to enter. It’s a breaking, it hurts and is hopeful yet frightful. Quite amazing!!!!