This is a guest post by Linda Ricke.
Sometimes my first reaction is not gratitude. The last three weekends I have spent my time giving. My husband spent the last three weekends playing golf. I need to qualify that. Two of them were spent playing the form of golf which has become his passion where players throw specialized Frisbees into metal baskets spread throughout a course, with scoring similar to that of what we call around here, “ball golf.” The type of the game my husband and his friends play most often is called “disc golf.” Most people who live on nine acres of land don’t have their own golf course. We have a disc golf course. It’s great. People come over and spend the day playing and having a good time. Some of the guys call our house “the Club House.” Sometimes it feels like that.
I appreciate the fact that my mate has a healthy habit. He’s not out spending his time in a bar or treating women as objects of desire. He works hard at his profession, really hard, actually. He deserves time with his friends. Time to wind down. Time to get exercise and sunshine. But…
You knew there would be a “but” here.
But…sometimes I get tired of sharing our home and my time and my husband. I’ve met great people, interesting people from all over, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that we have been blessed with the good fortune to have the home and land that we have. I’m grateful that my husband has lots of friends and that everyone feels welcome and comfortable in our home. But sometimes I get tired, and I forget that the time I sometimes resent giving up is not my own. It belongs to God. And sometimes, even when it just feels like housework, I know that what I’m really doing is God’s work.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I like that you can see past your minor irritations and recognise the blessings that have you have been given. All of us can take things for granted and it is good to be reminded that when things irritate us it is only because God has given us this one preious life that we are blessed enough to even have such feelings.
You picked up on a key point that the irritations of which I spoke are minor. It is so important to keep things in perspective and remember that most of us, myself included, have many more blessings than we remember to acknowledge. Thank you for your insightful comment.
It is a real challenge for me to do that, to see beyond “my time,” so I am particularly moved by your reframing of such a thing. Thank you for your rich perspective, and for not making it sound so facile or easy. What an invitation!
I am humbled by your words. Thank you for seeing the invitation and responding to it.
This is such an honest reflection on something with which we have all struggled at one time or another in our different relationships. Nothing is black-and-white in life and there are all sorts of different shades of gray in every situation. What a good reminder that our time belongs to God. Thank you.
Your words echo what I have repeatedly said about there being very little black and white in life. I realize that the more gray I get in my hair, the more shades of gray I see in the varied scenarios that make up my life. Thank you for your kind words.
As the inheritor of my husbands family home, I totally get this. Big family on both sides always consider this the drop in point, which is a blessing and like the writer I am happy they know they can and be comfortable. My prayer this summer after coming off the three past crazy ones has been “no guests, please God, I need a break”. (How selfish is that??) But my kids are at ages that I won’t get back, and the clock is ticking and I want to just be with my family, alone, a little longer. Having said that, I no sooner said my prayer than the phone rang with relatives coming from Florida the next week. I should be grateful but I will be honest, I am just tired. Still, the girls will have fun.
Annette, as Carol says, and as I also say further down, it is NOT being selfish to want some time for yourself and your children. You may be living in your husband’s family home, but it is still YOUR home, and surely your relatives will understand if you tell them sometimes that it is not convenient for them to come. Also, your children are your primary concern. Mine are now grown up, and I know how fast those precious early years can go – you really need to make the most of it. I feel a bit like I am sticking my nose in other people’s business here, so (as I say to Linda) please ignore me if what I say doesn’t ring true for you. But I always get concerned when people seem to think that Christian love means that we have to be always sacrificing ourselves for others. Of course we do need to serve others, but it also means, in my view, that we are all valued children of God, and we need to respect our own needs as well as other people’s.
Your prayer was not selfish at all! It was honest. We may as well be honest with ourselves and God. He sees beyond our words and knows well the desires of our hearts. I pray that you will be able to do something that I have not always been able to do – to enjoy the visit with your relatives even though their timing wasn’t the best. I can also relate to your comment on wanting to be with your children and realizing that your time with them is fleeting. As the mother of three adult children I can attest that their time at home is much too short, and I affirm your desire to savor it.
I hope you find some time to rest and recharge. It’s much easier to feel grateful when we aren’t so tired.
Thank you both for the affirmation. I can’t wait to rest but it doesn’t seem to be right now. I guess it’s the Benedictine influence. haha But Cathy, fear not, I am the anti-martyr. When everyone arrives it will be fun and I will be glad they did…it is just wanting an empty calendar for a little bit.
Linda, please forgive me for not using your name earlier, I wasn’t fully awake and it was pre-mochi and I couldn’t go back in and fix it!! Thank you for the cathartic post! I hope you get to enjoy your kids too!
Thank you for your honesty and reminder that time belongs to God.
I come from a larger family and always someone is in need of help.
I like helping but also get tired.
For a moment I wished I could just sit and look up at the clouds.
That was only for a moment…
I hope you take more moments to “just sit and look at up the clouds.” Our outlook is much more positive when we breathe deeply. I’m certain that your large family appreciates all you do for them. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
This is often a woman’s conundrum. We care for husbands, children, parents, extended family, neighbors and friends, strangers even. And while I agree that our time really does belong to God, I am wondering how we can give so much care to others without also finding time to care for ourselves. Nurses call it ‘burnout’ but all caregivers are subject to it . Sometimes it is essential to “look up at the clouds” if only for a few moments, as Carol said in the previous comment. By taking those few minutes to find God and replenish the spirit, we can return to caregiving rejuvenated.
I totally agree! When we start to feel resentful towards those we help, it’s time to step back and give to ourselves. I am personally acquainted with burnout. It’s usual that those who give the most are the first ones called to give even more. It’s so important that we don’t get caught up in the fallacy that we are so important that no one else can do what we do. I like your reminder that we need to replenish our spirits with prayer before we give. If we don’t return to the well, we will soon dry up.
Thank you for your reply.
I must admit that this post by Linda, and some of the comments, have caused me some concern. Yes, our time is really God’s time, and we have to be willing to give of our time and of ourselves. BUT it is also legitimate – and in fact necessary – to attend to our own needs. Linda, you are very positive in your thinking and very considerate of your husband, but I think the best kind of marriage – what I would see as a truly Christian marriage – is one where the partners work together to meet each other’s needs. Are you able to talk to your husband about how you feel? After all, by marrying you he has committed himself to YOU, not his friends or his work, and so surely he would be willing to see that YOUR needs are met as well as his own. I realise I sound a bit like a marriage counsellor, but I’m really convinced that the sort of thing I’m talking about not only makes a marriage more sustainable over the long term, but also is the best and the healthiest way to achieve what Jesus said a marriage should be, that the “two shall become one”. But of course Linda, if all this doesn’t ring true for you, please just ignore it!
Carol,
You are so right about marriage being a partnership. While it’s important to maintain balance in a successful relationship, it’s very seldom 50/50 at any given moment. Some days it’s 90/10; others it’s 20/80. If, over the long run the giving and receiving even out, you’re doing well.
I am blessed to have a husband with whom I can share my feelings. I am also grateful for the opportunity to share those thoughts and feelings with others who care enough to respond.
Thank you for being moved to comment.
I really appreciate Cathy’s and Barbara’s comments above, and Linda’s reply.
I think I know what Linda means by equating God’s work with housework — sometimes. But since both my husband and I have demanding jobs outside the home, and are blessed with two physically capable teenagers, I really do feel I am doing God’s work just as much when I refuse to take care of something in the house as when I do take care of it. Housework needs to be the responsibilty of everyone who lives in the house — men, women and children. I have a God-given reponsibilty to form self-sufficient adults, aware of their need to contribute to the running of the home. I have the responsibilty, too, of making sure my husband continues to love and respect and value me as an equal, if we are going to be blessed with a happy and loving marriage. I feel he is less likely to think that way if my energy is all spent on sorting his dirty laundry, than if he does his fair share of the crucial, menial tasks at home.
And Linda — please forgive me, but when I hear you say above — “My husband works hard… He deserves time with his friends. Time to wind down. Time to get exercise and sunshine” my reaction is sadness and frustration. I too love my husband, who also works too hard and needs time to himself. But I so rarely hear “She works hard…she deserves time” from anyone’s husband. We as women are so often encouraged to take care of others first, and men so often encouraged to take care of themselves first, that too many women’s needs and legitimate desires go unmet.
But I take to heart your message about gratitude, and will remember today to be thankful that the problems I face as a happy, healthy, working American woman are far smaller, less abundant, and ultimately less significant than all the blessings I enjoy.
I realise I am walking into a mine field without my armour on when commenting on this subject but I have to disagree. I hear most of my male friends saying that their wives work hard and need a rest. It’s not as if I have an unusually enlightened group of male friends. They are from different walks of life and different countries and cultures. I think, perhaps, it is a function of the way the world has become. It’s tough out there and most people recognise it.
Denise,
I remember being where you are just a few years ago. My husband & I also took the responsibility seriously of raising competent, self-sufficient adults. It’s often difficult to see the fruits of our labors while we’re toiling in the fields, but I can assure you that your children are paying attention to the lessons you’re teaching them. I often hear similar comments from women who feel burdened with more than their share of household responsibilities. I gently remind those who are giving to the point of resentment and burnout that they are teaching their children to do the same. I applaud your refusal to do everything for everyone in your home.
But…
I’m so glad that you did get the message about gratitude that was the focus of my post.
Wow. I see just the opposite in most of my female peers. The young women are working, keeping the home together AND taking care of their “men”…..I was sorry to see Father’s Day pass without an acknowledgement or post about the significant value that men play when they step up to bat and commit themselves to their families. Mother’s Day was huge on this blog. Father’s Day, hardly mentioned and only by a few in the comments section.
So far, what’s worked for us is not making every aspect of our lives “ours”. There are activities that I enjoy that he doesn’t, things he enjoys that I don’t. When we go our separate ways, then come back together, we each have something to share that the other would not ever experience. As for household chores: whoever gets sick of the mess first, cleans it up
I only hope that housework, jobs, and family obligations never cause us to lose sight of what brought us together to begin with, which is our mutual respect and love for each other. I can’t even say that either of us work all that hard. We enjoy what we do and get paid for it, so, it doesn’t exactly feel like work in the sense that people think of it. Most of the friends and family that come into our home are mutual. In the rare occassions where I had thought of them as “his family” (8 of his family members only recently departed after a month’s stay) or “his friends”, I’ve developed the attitude of them being his gift to me. He shares his close companions and loved ones with me, so I must be pretty special 
If he takes me for granted, I know just how to shake things up ; )
I’m glad you’ve found what works for you.
Oh. This isn’t something that we found. It’s something that we follow. Once the initial rush of our engagement subsided, we sat many, many times and talked of marriage. What each of our separate wishes were for our lives, individually and as a couple. Rico suggested that we follow Catholic Teachings on marriage. I, not sure of what they were, balked, but agreed to investigate. The one word I did not find was, “subjugate”. That would’ve been a deal breaker. The one word that took on new meaning for me: “Holy”. When we have disagreements, we return as a couple to those teachings. Not in inquiry as to who is right or wrong, but to discern how we can better make our marriage a reflection of the sacrament that it is. It works. It’s not anything that we “found”, it’s what the church teaches that’s made our time together meaningful. That, and an idea that we stole from the book, “Why Stay Catholic”. We have a date every Weds. : a prayer date. It’s the one date that I most look forward to. For anyone who has never tried it, it’s difficult to explain the profound bonding that takes place when we kneel together, holding hands in prayer. All concerns, all irritations are spoken to God, laid at the foot of the Cross and asked to be blessed. There is no way to harbor resentment towards your spouse once the very cause of those feelings are given to God! A big thanks to Mike Leach for that tip!!
Emma, you and Rico are very wise to include our Lord in your marriage. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Thank you for sharing your “secret” with others. I appreciate your feedback and that of everyone who added to the conversation. I hope to have another opportunity to share my thoughts and spark a new dialogue. Thanks ever so, Linda Ricke